Thursday, 31 July 2014

How to be a terrible mum - July

With it being August tomorrow, I thought it was worth outlining some of the examples of bad parenting I've managed to achieve in the last 6 months. And by 6 months, I mean in the last seven days. There can be no accusations that I am unproductive.

1. Took the McBaby swimming and forgot our towels, meaning I had to initiate a game of 'tag' to get him dry before giving him a patdown with a tablecloth that I found in the car.

2. Took the McBaby swimming (a different occasion - we've been almost every night since the outdoor pool opened in mid July. Yes, mid July.) I got so carried away with teaching him to kick his legs, and had experienced several meltdowns when trying to get him out of the pool that I might have let him go a teensy bit blue. Cue hurried dash to Cafe Rouge for a cup of hot tea. Which he then refused to drink.

3. Led the poor little guy to believe that his grandad was meeting him in Aldi. The Mcbaby spied the exact same make, model and colour (and year, actually) of McGrandad's car in the car park, and shouted "Grandad's car". I gave him a patronising, "yes, clever boy" before realising what he was saying. To be fair, they may have made more than one model of car in the factory.

4. Went to bite into an apple at work only to discover that I'd picked up the McBaby's tennis ball. Presumably, he and his friends at nursery must have been playing catch with my Granny Smith?

5. Had to let the McBaby "burn out" two back-to-back tantrums in a garage (and drowning out the sobbing by putting my car stereo on) while visiting someone's house. Who would have thought that a two-year-old could be capable of such emotion, noise and pantone-chart worthy purpleness. They were caused by my telling him that he had to finish one piece of toast and apple, respectively, before picking up another. Why must a toddler need to hold one in each hand and then finish neither?

6. Not parenting as such, but just meanness on my part when I laughed rather too heartily when someone who kindly sent me the following emails at work, all within one minute:

"The sandwich man is here - thanks!"

"The sandwich man is NOT here!‏ Please ignore previous message"

"He's here now. Apologies for that last message"

6. More shabiness on my part. There was an interview with someone from our allotment on BBC Radio Berkshire. Quite unnecessarily to my mind, they broadcasted the fact that they had to write to one of their allotment holders to remind them to do something about the weeds. Hmm, I wonder who that could have been. Embarrassed.

I have made it one of my monthly goals (yes, I do have these, although you wouldn't think so by looking at my disastrous life) to improve my parenting and reduce the number of McTantums by 30%.

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